A few days ago I posted about settling on the choice to move back to Scotland, and I’ve been telling close friends when I see them. It’s something I’ve tossed around in the past, so no one is crazy surprised, but what has been surprising for me has been my own reaction to saying it out loud.
I’ve never been hit before by the sadness of leaving people behind. Probably sounds terrible, because I’ve been on the move for eight years, but while I’ve shed tears during goodbyes to family at airports or felt a stab of wistfullness at missed weddings or the births of friend’s kids, it has never felt like a loss. I look forward by default, and honestly I’m fucking terrible at keeping in touch, so with every move most people fade away. And for the first time, I am afraid of that. Terrified. My people here are beautiful, and a small part of me is scared that maybe I’m not capable of holding on to them. I know that’s irrational, that I’ll still be able to send drunk snaps to my squad at 1am via the miracle of technology, and facetime keeps them only the press of a button away. But still, I feel the pressure of the knowledge that our time might be limited, because I’ve left so many behind along the way.
It’s not all depressing though – one of my closest friends here has started talking about coming over after we talked about all this. He’s never travelled, and we’ve had long deep-n-meaningfuls in the past (often after a few beers) about how good it would be for him. As far as upbringings go, his was rough to say the least, and not exactly full of opportunity. A big part of our bond is a shared understanding of having to grow up before we were ready, and we’ve talked a lot about how a fresh start gave me room to redefine myself away from the roles I’d been forced to assume as a teen. I hear the inspiration in his voice and it’s like deja vu, it’s me setting out for the first time all over again and I love it. I get to be excited for both of us.
I’m going to focus on leaving those worries behind – I love these people, and I won’t let them go just because there will be miles between us in a few months. The handful of long-distance friends I have are proof that it’s not just possible, it’s amazing when it works. And I’ll make it work.
Anyone on here dealing with being a world away from the people they love? How do you keep in touch? Bring on the tips people, I need to plan ahead.